These Things I'll Never Say
by XxDramaPrincessxX
Summary: Songfic to Avril Lavigne's 'These Things I'll Never Say.' Jade contemplates her relationship with Beck and thinks about the things she'll never say to him. Rated K-plus to be safe, its probably only K though. Enjoy!


**So, this is my first Victorious fanfic! But don't worry - Twilight is still my main story inspiration. I hope it turns out okay. It's a sonfic to Avril Lavigne's song "These Things I'll Never Say"! I know it's an old song but I was listning to my iPod on shuffle and this came on and inspiration hit! Don't you love it when that happens!**

**Enjoy**

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><p><strong>These Things I'll Never Say<strong>  
><strong>A Victorious Songfic<strong>

_I'm tugging at my hair  
><em>_I'm pulling at my clothes  
><em>_I'm trying to keep my cool  
><em>_I know it shows_

I ran my fingers through my dark, streaked hair. I watched Tori Vega walk across the hall and start up a conversation with Beck. I looked at her clothes: a pretty blue singlet, tight skinny jeans and high heels. I looked down at mine: my usual black shirts, pants and boots. I tried to make myself look better by pulling my shirt down a bit more. I took a deep breath as Beck started laughing at something Tori has said. I felt my fists clench up and had to stop myself from going over there and slapping Tori. They were only talking, right?

_I'm staring at my feet  
><em>_My cheeks are turning red  
><em>_I'm searching for the words inside my head_

I began to walk over to the two of them, taking long strides across the hall to Beck's locker.  
>"Oh hey, Jade!" Tori said in her bright cheery voice.<br>"Yeah whatever" I mumbled.  
>"What's up, babe?" Beck asked.<br>"Nothing, is there something wrong with a girl wanting to be with her boyfriend?"  
>"No" Beck smiled, kissing my forehead.<br>"Well, I have to get something from my locker. See you at lunch, okay?" Tori said, walking over to her 'Make It Shine' locker.  
>"What's wrong, Jade?" Beck asked. I frowned.<br>"Nothing? Why would something be wrong?" I asked.  
>"You don't seem yourself today!" In truth, he was right. I wasn't myself at all. I was worried. He had blown me off last night to help Tori with her audition for some play she was bound to get the lead role in. I wanted to tell him I loved him – let him no that I love him more than Tori will ever - but there is no way that Jade West would ever say that to someone. I just needed the right words.<p>

_And I'm feeling nervous  
><em>_Trying to be so perfect  
><em>'_Cause I know your worth it, your worth it  
><em>_Yeah_

"I just…you know what, forget it" I groaned, trudging off down the hall. I rounded the corner and opened the door to the janitor's closet and sat down on the floor. I looked at my reflection in a piece of metal and sighed. No wonder Beck spent more time with Tori, I'm no way near as pretty as her. I shook my head and put my head in my hands. Why was I trying to be so perfect lately? I knew Beck loved me, so why was I telling myself that he didn't? He deserves someone better though, someone who doesn't snap at something so minor. He deserves someone sweet, nice and a general good person – like he is.

_I can say what I want to say  
><em>_I say I want to go with you away  
><em>_Be with you every night  
><em>_I love squeezing you too tight_

Why is it so difficult to tell him I love him? I always tell everyone what I think! I don't let anybody tell me what to do! So why was this so hard? I love spending time with him. When were all alone in his RV, staying up all night talking and laughing. Something that I would never let anyone know, I couldn't let it ruin my reputation.

_I can see what I want to see  
><em>_I want to see you go down on me  
><em>_Marry me today  
><em>_Yes I'm wishing my life away  
><em>_These things I'll never say_

I love that way that he kisses me and holds me tight as if he can protect me from the whole world. I always wanted to marry him when we were older, on Hawaii while I wore a black dress. And if Tori or Sinjin objected I'd throw them in a volcano. Actually, I wouldn't invite them in the first place but Beck would probably say something like 'we have too, their friends.' But I would never tell him I wanted to marry him, that's too sappy.

_It don't do me any good  
><em>_It's just a waste of time  
><em>_What use is it to you, what's on my mind?_

But what if Beck doesn't care what I think? Even if I did tell him this, would it make a difference? I really shouldn't waste my time imagining things like that. It's just a waste of time! And when my heart does get broken all this time and effort would have been for absolutely nothing.

_If it aint coming out  
><em>_We aint going anywhere  
><em>_So why can't I just tell you that I care_

But if I don't say anything now, will I be able too later? Lately I feel like our relationship has been slipping away. If I don't say all this stuff, will it last much longer? I pulled out my scissors and threw them at the wall. Why does this have to be so damn difficult? Why can't I just come out and say it?

'_Cause I'm feeling nervous  
><em>_Trying to be so perfect  
><em>'_Cause I know your worth it, your worth it  
><em>_Yeah_

I can't shake the image of his face out of my head. How perfect he was! How nice he was to everybody, even crazy, bi-polar, Cat who quite frankly got on everybody's nerves. He was even nice to Sinjin, who stalked his girlfriend. Maybe I should change. Be the girl that he deserves.

_I can say what I want to say  
><em>_I say I want to go with you away  
><em>_Be with you every night  
><em>_I love squeezing you too tight_

_I can see what I want to see  
><em>_I want to see you go down on me  
><em>_Marry me today  
><em>_Yes I'm wishing my life away  
><em>_These things I'll never say_

I contemplated that for a few minutes. If I did tell Beck then he might love me even more! He might realize that there is three sides to me; the side that everybody else saw, the side that he only saw, and the side that I wouldn't show anybody. Maybe if he knew this other side of me, he might want to be with me more. But if I do then my reputation would be ruined…but Beck would never tell anyone, would he?

_What's wrong with my tongue?  
><em>_These words keep slipping away  
><em>_I stutter  
><em>_I stumble  
><em>_Like I've got nothing to say_

I rubbed my temples, trying to decide what to do. And if I did say something, how would I phrase it? Would I just randomly walk up and start babbling on about everything I want to say? Or would I go into this deep meaningful conversation? Okay, cheesy much! Maybe I should just give up?

'_Cause I'm feeling nervous  
><em>_Trying to be so perfect  
><em>'_Cause I know your worth it, your worth it  
><em>_Yeah_

Suddenly I was aware of a bead of sweat on my forehead. What? I never sweat! Never! So why was I sweating now? Was I this worked up about it? No, I can't be. Maybe the air-con is just broken. I stuck my arm out and felt a cool breeze. No, I can't be sweating! I only sweat when I'm extremely nervous – and that's actually never happened before. I don't even get nervous when I am about to audition for a role in a play I know Tori is going to get! Maybe Beck means more to me than I thought? Maybe we have a chance?

_Yes I'm wishing my life away  
><em>_These things I'll never say_

Why am I even thinking about this? I know I won't end up saying any of this stuff in the end. But some part of me said that I had to, I had to! I knew that now! But how do I say it? And when?

_I can say what I want to say  
><em>_I say I want to go with you away  
><em>_Be with you every night  
><em>_I love squeezing you too tight_

_I can see what I want to see  
><em>_I want to see you go down on me  
><em>_Marry me today  
><em>_Yes I'm wishing my life away  
><em>_These things I'll never say_

Well, it's always better sooner rather than later. I took out a pen and a piece of paper and began to write. After I was done I folded the letter in half and walked out into the empty corridor. I walked over to Becks locker and slipped the note inside.

Later that day I watched as Beck walked up to his locker and pulled out the note. I bit my lip hard, tasting the blood seeping into my mouth. On that note was a list. And that list had everything I couldn't say out loud. A list titled:

_These things I'll never say…_

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><p><strong><em>So what do you think? <em>**

**Sorry if it seems repetitive or anything. And sorry if it sounds whiny and rambling. And sorry if Jade was OOC. Yeah, sorry if it sucked...Leave me a review and let me know what you thought. :)**


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